How do I Love Thee? 💌
The season of love is upon us. How are you feeling about it? Hopeful, jealous or satisifed? It’s a time of year that connects lovers, potential lovers and situationships. You might be embracing the steady flames of love with a spouse, girlfriend or partner. You may be newly single, or experiencing your third, fourth or fifth valentines with yourself. That’s ok.
Valentines Day celebrates, the love we share with others. However, the love we give, can be a reflection of ourselves. if our outerworld is a reflection our innerworld; the love we give, is a good indication of our values and beliefs. If love is taking, recieving and manipulating, the values associated could be: I don’t have, my needs won’t be met and resources are limited. These beliefs, manifest in specific co-dependent behaviours.
If love is about giving, recieving and serving; each party is free to fufill their potential, as individuals and partners. Interdependence is achieveable when two people take responsibility for their self-esteem, joy and personal fulfilment. In this scenario, relationships become a space we can lean into, to fill and empty ourselves. Toxic relationships, may experience this space as a battle ground. Fear drives impluses, actions and behaviours. Control is the name of the game, and torment is the result.
If you observe how you love, how would you respond to this question: How do I Love Thee?
Here is Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Response:
Browning’s words are heartfelt and passionate, with a sense of urgency. In contrast, Taina didn’t love herself like this, not until the end of a series by the same name. Taina sought acceptance and validation in many places. However, in each successful talent show, assignment and friendship, Taina’s strength, compassion and warmth were undisputed. Despite this, she forced love on people who clearly despised her. It’s interesting what we will settle for, without a healthy self concept. Perhaps Taina knew her self-value, but not self-worth. Our self-worth is evidenced by what we accept, in exchange of our time, efforts and gifts.
On several occasions, Taina gave more, than she received. In one episode, in attempt to fit in with a group of girls, she completely transformed her identity for acceptance. In the end, she experienced more rejection, in addition to feelings of self-abandonment. Isn’t that ironic? The external validation we seek, leads to the opposite effect. Notwithstanding, Taina, learns many lessons along the way, leading to personal transformation.
The process of self-discovery, can creep up on us. Learning ourselves can be humiliating, embarrassing, and exasperating. It can also be exciting, euphoric and amazing. To give and receive love the way browning describes, we could consider, giving this love to ourselves first. So when love arrives, we’ll realise it.
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