Got a Secret, Can you Keep it? 🤫 💋 Trust and Relationships in the Digital Age.
Trust is the currency that allows us to navigate our lives. In Trust: Knowing when to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it, and how to fix it when it gets broken, Dr Henry Cloud describes trust as confidence that a person, will guard your best interests. Trust is the foundation of personal relationships and business partnerships.
Institutions in society, such as schools, hospitals and banks function because of our ability to trust one another. For example, we trust the bank with our money; as a result, we don’t check our phones every thirty seconds, to see if our money is still there. We trust the government to spend our taxes wisely. We trust the person making our food to not spit in it, if we accidentally say something they do not like. We trust energy companies to keep the lights on. Everything that produces outcomes that are greater than individual effort, depends on trust.
Trust is built into the human condition. When a baby enters the world, a newborn needs people to survive. Without the care, love and support of others, an infant won’t survive beyond the first year of life. Human beings need one another and trust is the most important tool that we have. Unfortunately, for many reasons some us struggle with trusting other people. Due acts of betrayal or abuse, humans can be conditioned to be suspicious of others, due to the malicious actions of other people. Trust is a tool we need to be able to use wisely and building discernment to give our trust to the right people, is the key to a fulfilling life.
Trust unlocks intimacy with others, this brings joy, peace and ease into our lives. We are able to experience joy, peace and ease, because we open ourselves to their influence and support. For example, trusting a friend means we are able to receive advice, gifts or opportunities that could help us. In return we are also welcome to give freely, knowing that we are supported and the other person won’t take advantage of us.
To engage in a trusting friendship requires vulnerability. Vulnerability allows us to share our desires, wants and needs with others. Cloud explains that building trust requires an effort to listen and understand the needs of others. When we listen and understand, we don’t worry or check our backs. A key to trust is clarity, clarity can lead to trust or prevent us from trust. To truly be carefree, we must know what to look for, to prevent us from developing trust issues.
An American series called Pretty Little Liars demonstrates the importance of trust in supportive friendships. The 2010 series, is set in a fictional town called Rosewood. The series follows four best friends who are harassed by ‘A’ an unknown person. ‘A’ begins to harrass Aria, Emily, Hanna and Spencer, after the disappearance of Alison, a member of their friendship group.
Hanna, Emily, Aria and Spencer
The friends are implicated in different schemes by ‘A’ and have to navigate several challenges after Alison disappeared. The series episodes demonstrate the signs to look out for, when deciding to give our trust to others.
In season 1 episode 16, Hanna’s Mom is visited by a man who claimed to be the nephew, of a deceased client. The client who passed away left money in a safe deposit box, which Ms Marin stole during a difficult time. The nephew arrived before she could replace it. Caleb, Hannah’s boyfriend noticed several gaps in the man and warned Hanna to notify her mother. Initially Ms Marin trusted the man’s story, until Hanna suggested her mother look into this man’s background.
Dr Cloud developed a trust model, to support individuals with learning how to trust others. These are the five essentials of trust:
Understanding: Is the person showing that they understand you? Are they mirroring you? Are they listening to you?
Motive: Is there evidence of their intentions? What are they doing? What proof do they have?
Ability: Are they resilient? Do they have the experience to do the thing which you are trusting them to do? Do they have proof that they deserve your trust?
Character: What personal traits to they display? Are they considerate of others? Do they display traits of a considerate person?
Track record: Do they have a track record of trust? Trust is incremental, do you they have previous experience in the area you are choosing to trust them in?
Pretty little liars is a good series for observing how trust keeps people together. Trust is precious, we need to choose who we give it to. Before we trust people, we should make a couple of considerations before we engage. Life alone is difficult and challenging, we go further with others.
If we struggle with trusting the wrong people isolation feels safe. Healing is needed if we have trust barriers. It is important to review how we can make better decisions. Being hurt isn’t our fault, those who take advantage of trust aren’t absolved from responsibility. However, it is important to empower ourselves by equipping ourselves to choose the best people for our lives.
Reference
Cloud, H. (2023) Trust: Knowing when to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it, and how to fix it when it gets broken. New York: Hachette Audio.
